Festive flops

Lindsey Lohan missed her flight back to L.A. for her appearance on Ellen, where she was supposed to reveal her “spread” in Playboy.  Career suicide aside (of course you kind of have to have a career to kill it), her appearance in Playboy is more puzzling than her ditching her appearance on Ellen.  Are there really a lot of men out there willing to pay to see an unemployed, drug-addicted, on-probation woman naked?  Can’t they see that for free any Saturday night at the local watering hole around 2:00 a.m.?  I predict fairly poor sales for that issue of Playboy.

Barbara Walters Most Fascinating People of 2011 aired, and left some struggling with how she defines fascinating.  The Kardashians, for one, fall more into the “morbidly fascinating” category.  Fascinating is cool…fascinating evokes awe and gives the rest of us something to aspire to.  Morbidly fascinating is watching a train wreck (or reality TV).  You know you should look away, but you can’t.  So Barbara either needs to change the title to “Most Morbidly Fascinating People of 2011” or pick different guests.  She also interviewed Pippa Middleton, presumably because Babs was unable to land the interview she really wanted to do with Pippa’s sister, Kate Middleton.  Donald Trump also made the list, though it’s Donald’s hair, not really Donald, that’s fascinating.  Barbara did give the birds nest atop Donald’s head a good tug to prove it was real.  That actually was kind of fascinating.  Sort of makes you wonder how much money The Donald’s kids are going to make off that mess on E-bay when Donald keels over.  Probably the most fascinating thing about this “special” was that Babs is still alive to conduct it and that she doesn’t need subtitles yet. 

An elevator fell in the Y&R building, killing one person and injuring at least two others.  When I first read this headline, I thought Y&R meant The Young and the Restless, and I was thinking, please let it be Victor.  Please let it be Victor.  But who are we kidding?  That guy’s already died like 15 times and makes a “miraculous come-back” every time.

So much flop, so little time...

Johnny Depp admits to being paid too much-  How insightful.  Depp says that being paid “stupid money” (reportedly over $300 million for Pirates of the Caribbean), isn’t about him.  It’s about the kids.  Whose kids?  Jerry’s kids?  Kids in Africa? No.  His kids.  He has two.  That’s $150 million dollars per child in the Depp household.  So I have to ask.  Does making stupid money make you stupid?  Is he really trying to justify earning an ungodly sum of money when most people are struggling to put gas in their cars by saying it’s for his kids?  I guess his kids are the only ones who get to stand up in front of the class and say, “My daddy earned $300 million dollars for doing a super bad impersonation of Keith Richards, and he did it all for me.” 

Depp has to test my stupidity theory further by saying (in Vanity Fair mind you, he wasn’t just popping off to some photographer ) that when his picture is taken, “it feels like you’re being raped somehow.  Raped…feels kind of weird---just weird man.”   Really?  Johnny, could you step away from pot long enough to form a coherent thought that doesn’t offend the masses?  Insert outrage from rape victims here.  It’s probable that most rape victims would use a word other than “weird” to describe rape.  Maybe Johnny Depp could take some of that $300 mil and buy himself a friggin’ thesaurus.  How about switching out the word “rape” with something a bit less inflammatory, like “invaded” or “violated.”      

So Jennifer Lopez got teary eyed while on stage this weekend?  That’s so weird!  We cry when she sings on stage too!  She was sad about some sappy barf-inducing love song she was singing, we cry because she has limited vocal ability and her songs make us want to stick our head in a hot oven and shut the door.

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Seems like everyone is belly-aching about Netflix, so I thought I’d join in on the fun by writing them a strongly worded letter: 

Dear Netflix, your instant feed selection sucks.  Bad.  It’s almost as if you’ve gone out of your way to put the crappiest of the crappy in the instant feed selection.  We get the psychology behind this.  Make people completely exasperated when they are trying to find a good movie to watch so they get pissed off and in a fit of rage subscribe to the $7.99 DVD service.  I can’t order up The Other Guys but I can watch Home Alone 3 or Beer Pong Saved My Life? Could you be more obvious in your ploy?  If people wanted to wait to get a movie, there wouldn’t be so many vacant Blockbuster stores around the country.  Charge me $1 a movie for instant feed if you want.  I’ll pay it (if it’s a movie that doesn’t make me want to throw my chips and beer at the TV).  I really don’t care how you remedy this situation, just fix it.  Net-fix it, ASAP.  This current strategy is insulting and is making you the laughing stock of the Internet community.

Busy last week of September

Oooo, so many goodies, so little time.  Let's kick this week right off with a look at GQ's Men's Fall Trend Report:

The only thing missing from GQ's Men's Fall Trend Report is the MEN!  Why do men on runways and in print ads look like underfed women with bad hair cuts?  For the last time, skinny pants have no place in a straight man's wardrobe!  (Gay guys, you keep right on rockin' these- they look better on you than they do on women!).  And pink tennis shoes?  Please see previous remarks about straight vs. gay men's wardrobes.   

Camel is not a great color on anyone, but until Angelina Jolie quits cramming it down our throats, we're stuck with it.  It is especially not good on a. men and b. in a man's trenchcoat.  The only thing to be grateful for here is that this guy is actually wearing tennis shoes, and not Angelina's famous camel Christian Louboutin pumps. 

Those of us who are old enough to remember Happy Days see these ties and think of when Mrs. Cunningham bought too much material for her curtains and made tablecloths, an apron and a wardrobe for the whole family out of the leftovers.  For this generation, we'll just say Fat Bastard called and wants his ties back.

What the hell is happening here?  Is this guy wearing really bad extensions or is his collar eating his neck?  We didn't like this hairstyle when Michelle Williams did it, we like it even less here.  If this is what we have to look forward to for men's fall fashions, there's going to be a lot of women looking in the other direction until winter.









It's just Patti

 Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker got busted this week for making disparaging comments about gay men and Jewish men.  I only have two questions about this “headline.”  Why is anyone offended by what this woman says?  If we are watching a show with her on it, we know she is going to say outrageous things.  If we don’t like it, we always have the option of CHANGING THE CHANNEL.  Secondly, I guess I thought it was an unspoken rule that you can make fun of your own.  Isn’t it okay to make fun of a Jewish gay man if you are one?  I love Patti, but sometimes I wonder if she’s the real-life version of SNL’s “It’s just Pat” or in this case, “It’s just Patti.”

Kim Delaney was cordially dis-invited off stage after fumbling through a speech at an event to honor former Defense Secretary Robert Gates.  This is dee-liscious.  Afterward, the standard “The teleprompter was broken” excuse was issued.  Uh-huh.  Something was broken here, and it wasn’t the teleprompter. At least her Ron Burgundy-esque blunder didn’t end with, “Go f*** yourself Philadelphia.”   I feel a little dirty mocking those who have clearly de-railed in such a spectacular way, almost like it’s too easy or something??  So I’m going to make myself feel better by saying if you have ever flopped in a public speaking endeavor, this is for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9dICPt-PY

This is my favorite headline from this week:

Breaking News...Tom Brady gets a haircut

What's breaking news about this story, is not that Tom Brady got a haircut.  What is noteworthy about this headline is WHY Tom Brady got a haircut.  He got tired of being asked if he was Suzie Orman and Kevin Bacon's lovechild:

                                                                                             

 

                      

         

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This week’s headlines…September 21, 2011

R.E.M. breaks up.  They were still together?  Huh.  I really wish I cared about this.  I do.  I know it’s un-cool to not like R.E.M.  Here’s a few quick reasons this headline made me say, “next”:

"John Michael Stipe"

John Malkovich

   ·          It’s vexing how much lead singer John Michael Stipe looks like John Malkovich.  I’m convinced they are the same person.

   ·         R.E.M. doesn’t stand for anything in relation to this band.  There’s random and then there’s just blatant attention getting.  “Oh, we’re so cool, our name doesn’t mean anything because we want to project a non-conformist image.”  Or something like that. 

   ·         They have the kind of songs that you dig…the first 238 times you hear them.  After that their tunes play back in your head the rest of the day and make you want to hurt yourself.  I’m losing my religion…and my damn mind.

   ·         John Micheal Stipe (a.k.a. John Malkovich) just released naked photos of himself.  R.E.M. hasn’t been in the headlines for awhile, so maybe he’s enjoying this “breakup” buzz just a little too much and didn’t want it to end.  This is me, crossing my fingers, hoping he hasn’t made a sex tape. Y.U.C.K.

Facebook changes….again.  Dear Facebook, isn’t it enough that you have taken the American public hostage with your “Face-crack” approach to staying connected?  Now you’ve got to change it up every once in awhile, aggravating the masses.  And the Facebookers who AREN’T annoyed with the changes are annoyed by the outcry from the users who are.  P.S.  Thanks for that nifty little sidebar telling the whole world WHAT I’m doing and WHEN I’m doing it. How am I supposed to sneak on FB at work with my bosses able to track my every move now?  Brilliant.  (Just kidding, bosses.  Kind of.)  What’s next?  Will the sidebar start to read: “Kat snarfed grimace proportions at dinner and just belched louder than a sailor after a 6-pack of beer?”  Or “Kat really needs to get her roots done.  Will someone please tell her it looks like a rat died atop her head?”  Or “Does Kat really think that is a sound wardrobe choice?”  Or “Check out the hunk o spinach in Kat’s teeth.  It’s called a toothpick, Kat, look into it!”    

Michelle Williams wants to quit acting.  Hey Michelle, we want you quitting acting too.  We are still reeling over the news that you had been cast as Marilyn Monroe in your latest movie (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  This country has really gone downhill since Anna Nicole Smith died).  MW’s supposed ‘stream of consciousness’ quotes that are clearly scripted need to go away:  "I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef or maybe writing other people's love letters for a living.  Clearly, I don't like to be in charge. And thinking of quitting is just keeping going in disguise. When you have options, anything is bearable. It's when a situation is inescapable that it becomes hell. It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage."  What the f*** is a sous chef?  GREAT.  Now I have to go to Google and look it up!  (It’s the second in command chef, behind the head chef.)  Or a laundress? Michelle was born in Kalispell Montana.  In Montana we call that a “Laundromat attendant” not a “laundress.”  Hey Michelle, I’ve got a pile of dirty laundry you can do if you really want, and I’ll even call you my “laundress” if it makes you happy.  They’ll be no “keeping going in disguise,” either.  Even if you “get good at it.”  Yikes.  Maybe I’ll quit my 3 jobs and become an actress so I can talk about laundresses and sous chefs and having my mind and creative energy held hostage.  Or maybe I can just get my ass back to work and pay my freakin’ bills.

September 15..a week in review

I’ve always said that as long as pop culture and the media exist, I will never run out of things to write about.  Some weeks the media just spoon feeds me treasures that make this endeavor too easy.

I’d like to come right out of the gate with two of my favorite headlines this week:

1.        Taste Test.  Is Mexican Coke Better?  I’d like to meet the wise-ass who penned this feature, because the author (listed as “Serious Eats”) could have easily chosen “Does Mexican Coca-Cola taste better” or “Do Mexican Soft-Drinks taste better,” but no.  Serious Eats went straight for the double-entendre, which made my whole week.  Cheers to Not-So-Serious-Eats.                   

2.       Breaking News- Kardashians Mocked.  Uh, this is not breaking news.  The Kardashians are mocked in millions of American households every week, and by Saturday Night Live.  Everyone wants to know why the Kardashians are famous.  It’s not because Kim Kardashian was once friends with Paris Hilton (also famous initially for doing nothing but having a last name with brand recognition), or for Kim’s sex tape or because the Kardashian’s father represented O.J. Simpson.  It’s also not because of Kim’s freakishly large ass.  It’s because they are so fun to mock.  These news anchors just happened to get caught on tape doing what all of us do.  Check it out on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCs1Q565E4g

The media sluts who I wrote about last week did me a solid and kept running off at the mouth THIS week.  If it pleases the court:

1.        Madonna issues sarcastic un-apology for rude behavior.  Madonna should leave sarcasm to the professionals.  She has a gift for staying in the headlines with absolutely nothing to contribute to society (other than fodder for folks like me), but sarcasm is not her thing.  If Madge is reading this, let me help.  See, there are different degrees of sarcasm.  For example, mild sarcasm sounds like this:  “Yeah, Madonna is still relevant.”  This type of sarcasm is typically followed up by a Mike Meyers-like ‘NOT.’  The sarcasm expressed in the “apology” video isn’t sarcasm so much as it is misplaced bitchiness.  No one really gives a rip if Madonna likes hydrangeas, roses, tulips, poppies, etc.  MAYBE if someone is attending a party and a trivia games asks “What is Madonna’s least favorite flower,” then this information is useful.  The point, if there is one, is Madonna’s apology should have been sincere, or at least funny, and should have been directed at the thoughtful fan who brought her the flowers in the first place.

2.       Charlie Sheen can’t really explain what happened last spring when he lost a lucrative television contract and was rambling on about “tiger blood” and “winning.”  Sheen further touts that he was sober during this time.  Just how naïve does he think the American public is?  Let’s just say that Charlie Sheen was acting as though he took ‘Serious Eat’s’ taste test challenge on whether or not Mexican Coke is better (see above).  And if he wasn’t strung out on a cocktail of mind-altering drugs, that’s even MORE disturbing.  Rational, well-adjusted people don’t issue twitchy, ill-logical rants on TV and radio.  Isn’t it better to just say, “I was lit up like the 4^th,” and be done with it?

I’ll wrap up this week’s Flop Culture review by admitting my latest girl crush is Kirstie Alley. How can you not love a woman who starred in a show about herself titled, "Fat Actress."  But look at her now!  She is 60, has shed a lot of weight and unlike the aforementioned Madonna, still looks more like herself and less like The Joker.   

Last week in Flop Culture...in case you missed it

Madonna disses fan’s gift:  When did Madonna start looking like Priscilla Presley?  By now most of us are aware that Madonna rolled her eyes when a fan gave her flowers and said, “I absolutely loathe Hydrangeas.”  Getting caught being exceptionally ill-mannered is punishment enough for Madge, so I’m going to skip the scolding.  Instead, I’ll just say that most people absolutely loathe people with a fake British accent.  Don’t you also have to wonder about the mental stability of an individual who doesn’t like flowers?  Come on.  That’s like hating babies. 

Kate Plus Eight…a predictable fate:  TLC has canceled Kate Plus Eight, a reality TV show featuring Kate Gosselin and her 8 children.  We couldn’t decide if we should file this under “Who gives a rat’s ass” or “Wow, we didn’t see that coming the second Jon and Kate split up.”  What was intriguing about this show, other than the sheer volume of children, was a young couple banding together to get through the day with so many kids the same age.  Now Kate’s just another single tabloid mom who’s had a ton of plastic surgery, with more mouths than she can feed.  Snooze. 

Charlie Sheen roasted:  One the same night Two and a Half Men premiered with Charlie Sheen’s replacement, Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen was on Comedy Central being roasted by celebrities.  Seems a bit repetitive.  Charlie Sheen has been publicly roasted for about the last 6 months straight.  Seeing his smug face and watching him applaud people who are mocking him to his face kind of takes the fun out of it.  My favorite line from the roast is a tie between William Shatner’s quote, “I’m 80 and you’re 46…so how come it looks like we went to high school together?” and  Jeffrey Ross’ quote, “Charlie, you’re the black sheep of a family that produced three ‘Mighty Duck’ movies.”

Don't be afraid of the dark...or bad movies

Riddle:  What should you get when you combine a big creepy house with a secret basement  and a little girl who looks like the girl from Poltergeist but with dark hair?

Answer:  What you SHOULD get is a nail-biting, heart-pumping thriller.  What you DO get in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a FAH-Lop. 

Here’s the break-down:

Scene:  The seemingly perfect setting for a scary movie- creepy old mansion with moving bookcases, a secret basement, and an elaborate, overgrown garden.  This place even had the gratuitous scraggly groundskeeper and suspicious old lady housekeeper.  Barney could make a movie in this setting and it should be terrifying.

Actors:  Katie Holmes, who is not a personal favorite with the stark, blank expressions, does a good job in this movie, as does Guy Pearce.  But the true stand-out in this movie is little Bailee Madison whose performance will be remembered long after everyone forgets about the gremlins and their love of enamel.   I just wish they would have given Bailey an unforgettable line like her Poltergeist predecessor… “They’re here.”  Maybe something like, "Are you f'n kidding me?  This is supposed to be scary?"

Where the wheels come off:  So far this sounds like the perfect recipe for a memorable thriller, right?  Scary mansion, stark-looking Katie Holmes, a brilliant child actor, a hard-to-watch opening scene- you’re getting jumpy just thinking about it aren’t you?  Let me spare you a couple hours of your life.  The creepy old house is possessed by…are you ready?  Demonized little rat-looking creatures.  A lot of them.  Who aside from their Gollum-like voices take this movie from horrifying to hilarious.  People were actually laughing by the end of the movie.

Whaaaaaaa?  Where’s the ghost?  The evil entities?  How about some blood streaming down the wall, or random household objects being hurled at innocent homeowners?  Throw us a cross being turned upside down....SOMETHING.


Rat-like creatures that eat little kids' teeth?  Come on.  We can do a little better than that.  This movie was a remake from a made-for-TV movie of the same title in 1973.  I suggest they quickly remake it one more time, with all the same elements, except give us a good haunting this time.  Skip the disgusting little vermin that just make us think the only thing the house needs is a good exterminator. 

This week's headlines in review....

I-Pads and Apes:  Apes at the Milwaukee County Zoo have taken to playing around with I-Pads.  Great. Listen here, apes!  There are technically challenged people like myself who get other people to figure stuff out for us because we are technologically challenged.  (Yeah, sometimes we’re just lazy.)  When I can’t figure something out, I whine and say, “fix it,” to either my kids or my boss.  And they do.  Because they know it is easier to do it themselves than it is to explain it to me.  (I have perfected the blank stare.  It has become a very effective tool in motivating those around me to solve my technology riddles!)  And I don’t need you APES messing things up for me.  Do you know what my kids are going to do if they read this headline?  The next time I toss my I-Phone or I-Pod at them to have them fix or improve it for me, they’ll say, “Nice try Mom.  Even the apes at the Milwaukee County Zoo can figure this out.”  So you apes go back to doing what you do best.  Eating bananas.  Picking bugs off each other.  Scratching yourself in public.  I’ll go back to doing what I do best which is avoiding learning new things.  Do we understand each other?

Kids lose “bad mom” court case:  Two “children,” both in their 20s have lost a suit against their mother for bad parenting.   (Shall all us moms wipe the sweat from our collective brow, since we all have, at one time or another, done things that could be construed as “bad parenting.”)  Among this mother’s offenses?  No college care packages, Mumsy didn’t get the homecoming dress that Princess wanted and on their birthdays, they only received cards sans cash.  My kids’ response to that would likely be, “You got a card?????”  I think this mom should have countersued for “pain and suffering caused by spoiled, ungrateful brats.” I’m guessing she might have gotten a little more sympathy for her grievances than they did for theirs.  In a battle of this nature, the mom always comes out ahead, with these 23 simple words, “I passed you and your wide shoulders through an opening the size of nickel after hours of intense and excruciating pain.  I win.”

Lastly, Tropical Storm Irene and Tropical Storm Lee placed the eastern seaboard under water, left millions without electricity and caused untold amounts of damage, but hey, Beyonce is pregnant.  So we've got that goin' for us....

The Week of July 17, A Flop Culture Sample

By Kat Hobza

Steve Buscemi refuses to fix his teeth.   This update falls into a little category I like to call WHO², meaning WHO is Steve Buscemi and WHO cares about his teeth?  One of Steve Buscemi’s most memorable roles was as Carl, who ended up getting stuffed into a wood chipper in the movie Fargo.  Of course he refuses to fix his teeth.  Odd looking people with bad teeth are hard to come by in Hollywood.  Being successful is all about finding a niche market.

Lady Gaga egged for performing on stage in a wheelchair.  Lady Gaga must not have watched her instructional DVD on the basics of becoming a celebrity, or she would have learned the importance of hiring a PUBLICIST!  Yes, there are people who get paid to delicately steer you away from incredibly poor choices like performing in front of an audience in a wheelchair when you are not paralyzed!  (And the answer to the question, “Do people really need to be told that?” is, apparently, YES.) On a positive note, she now has eggs to go with that ridiculous steak dress she wore to the MTV Video Music Awards last fall.

Hugh Hefner speaks about his broken engagement.   Finally, some real news.  Hugh Hefner is alive!  Who knew?  In an interview this week, Hugh talked about his broken engagement to his fiancé saying “something was not quite right.”  Really Hugh?  What might that be?  Maybe the 100 year age difference wasn’t “quite right.”  Maybe the fact that she asked for a Bentley right before she bolted seemed “not quite right.” Maybe it’s “not quite right” that a man in his 80s parades around in a silk robe, surrounded by women young enough to be his great-granddaughters.   A person could “not-quite-right” Hugh’s love life into the ground.    

North Dakota may not be a state.  This isn’t really a matter of news, so much as it is a matter of semantics.  How do YOU define a state?  Do you define it as a region with people, infrastructure, local economies and the amenities of modern civilization or as a region with grass, wind and crude oil?   

Alpha males are stressed.  A nine year study of male baboons suggests that alpha males are just as stressed trying to maintain their reproductive lifestyle (mating with as many females as possible) as low-ranking males, who are just stressed about where their next meal is coming from.

 Dear Research People:  May I please have the money you spent rooting through the feces of male baboons for nine years measuring stress hormones?  I could have told you that alpha males get worked up trying to get with as many women as they can (and I could have drawn this conclusion after a Saturday night sitting on a bar stool, not after NINE years!)  And anyone who has spent 10 minutes with a guy knows how stressed out they get when they go too long between meals. 

Interestingly, the middle-ranking males enjoyed the same level of female attention as the alpha males, and weren’t nearly as stressed. It is believed the middle-ranking males relieve stress by laughing at the alpha males who are making asses of themselves.