Riddle: What should you get when you combine a big creepy house with a secret basement and a little girl who looks like the girl from Poltergeist but with dark hair?
Answer: What you SHOULD get is a nail-biting, heart-pumping thriller. What you DO get in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a FAH-Lop.
Here’s the break-down:
Scene: The seemingly perfect setting for a scary movie- creepy old mansion with moving bookcases, a secret basement, and an elaborate, overgrown garden. This place even had the gratuitous scraggly groundskeeper and suspicious old lady housekeeper. Barney could make a movie in this setting and it should be terrifying.
Actors: Katie Holmes, who is not a personal favorite with the stark, blank expressions, does a good job in this movie, as does Guy Pearce. But the true stand-out in this movie is little Bailee Madison whose performance will be remembered long after everyone forgets about the gremlins and their love of enamel. I just wish they would have given Bailey an unforgettable line like her Poltergeist predecessor… “They’re here.” Maybe something like, "Are you f'n kidding me? This is supposed to be scary?"
Where the wheels come off: So far this sounds like the perfect recipe for a memorable thriller, right? Scary mansion, stark-looking Katie Holmes, a brilliant child actor, a hard-to-watch opening scene- you’re getting jumpy just thinking about it aren’t you? Let me spare you a couple hours of your life. The creepy old house is possessed by…are you ready? Demonized little rat-looking creatures. A lot of them. Who aside from their Gollum-like voices take this movie from horrifying to hilarious. People were actually laughing by the end of the movie.
Whaaaaaaa? Where’s the ghost? The evil entities? How about some blood streaming down the wall, or random household objects being hurled at innocent homeowners? Throw us a cross being turned upside down....SOMETHING.
Rat-like creatures that eat little kids' teeth? Come on. We can do a little better than that. This movie was a remake from a made-for-TV movie of the same title in 1973. I suggest they quickly remake it one more time, with all the same elements, except give us a good haunting this time. Skip the disgusting little vermin that just make us think the only thing the house needs is a good exterminator.
Rat-like creatures that eat little kids' teeth? Come on. We can do a little better than that. This movie was a remake from a made-for-TV movie of the same title in 1973. I suggest they quickly remake it one more time, with all the same elements, except give us a good haunting this time. Skip the disgusting little vermin that just make us think the only thing the house needs is a good exterminator.
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