This week’s headlines…September 21, 2011

R.E.M. breaks up.  They were still together?  Huh.  I really wish I cared about this.  I do.  I know it’s un-cool to not like R.E.M.  Here’s a few quick reasons this headline made me say, “next”:

"John Michael Stipe"

John Malkovich

   ·          It’s vexing how much lead singer John Michael Stipe looks like John Malkovich.  I’m convinced they are the same person.

   ·         R.E.M. doesn’t stand for anything in relation to this band.  There’s random and then there’s just blatant attention getting.  “Oh, we’re so cool, our name doesn’t mean anything because we want to project a non-conformist image.”  Or something like that. 

   ·         They have the kind of songs that you dig…the first 238 times you hear them.  After that their tunes play back in your head the rest of the day and make you want to hurt yourself.  I’m losing my religion…and my damn mind.

   ·         John Micheal Stipe (a.k.a. John Malkovich) just released naked photos of himself.  R.E.M. hasn’t been in the headlines for awhile, so maybe he’s enjoying this “breakup” buzz just a little too much and didn’t want it to end.  This is me, crossing my fingers, hoping he hasn’t made a sex tape. Y.U.C.K.

Facebook changes….again.  Dear Facebook, isn’t it enough that you have taken the American public hostage with your “Face-crack” approach to staying connected?  Now you’ve got to change it up every once in awhile, aggravating the masses.  And the Facebookers who AREN’T annoyed with the changes are annoyed by the outcry from the users who are.  P.S.  Thanks for that nifty little sidebar telling the whole world WHAT I’m doing and WHEN I’m doing it. How am I supposed to sneak on FB at work with my bosses able to track my every move now?  Brilliant.  (Just kidding, bosses.  Kind of.)  What’s next?  Will the sidebar start to read: “Kat snarfed grimace proportions at dinner and just belched louder than a sailor after a 6-pack of beer?”  Or “Kat really needs to get her roots done.  Will someone please tell her it looks like a rat died atop her head?”  Or “Does Kat really think that is a sound wardrobe choice?”  Or “Check out the hunk o spinach in Kat’s teeth.  It’s called a toothpick, Kat, look into it!”    

Michelle Williams wants to quit acting.  Hey Michelle, we want you quitting acting too.  We are still reeling over the news that you had been cast as Marilyn Monroe in your latest movie (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  This country has really gone downhill since Anna Nicole Smith died).  MW’s supposed ‘stream of consciousness’ quotes that are clearly scripted need to go away:  "I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef or maybe writing other people's love letters for a living.  Clearly, I don't like to be in charge. And thinking of quitting is just keeping going in disguise. When you have options, anything is bearable. It's when a situation is inescapable that it becomes hell. It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage."  What the f*** is a sous chef?  GREAT.  Now I have to go to Google and look it up!  (It’s the second in command chef, behind the head chef.)  Or a laundress? Michelle was born in Kalispell Montana.  In Montana we call that a “Laundromat attendant” not a “laundress.”  Hey Michelle, I’ve got a pile of dirty laundry you can do if you really want, and I’ll even call you my “laundress” if it makes you happy.  They’ll be no “keeping going in disguise,” either.  Even if you “get good at it.”  Yikes.  Maybe I’ll quit my 3 jobs and become an actress so I can talk about laundresses and sous chefs and having my mind and creative energy held hostage.  Or maybe I can just get my ass back to work and pay my freakin’ bills.